Monday, April 13, 2015

You're Being Lied To

Yep, I just ended that title in a presposition.  That's right,  I'm just all kinds of wild tonight. 

I've come to the conclusion that's been confirmed by recent weight gain that I've been blessed with the cheeks of a gerbil. Big, roundy, fat storing beauties. Thanks Dad. That conclusion isn't concrete though, I still haven't ruled out the idea that I'm experiencing some facial form of the evolution of the puffer fish. 

Increased time spent sitting on my arse has  lead to increased time spent on Instagram.  I'm not quite at need to be carried to the dinner table stage yet like that ad on tv but I do stress the yet. To my advantage, I don't think P.Diddy has access to a crane. 

 Back to my puffer fish face and Instagram obessession.. so I follow a lot of chung ones, bloggers and primark on it. I look at the pics, compare them to my own life and base my self worth on how the two compare. Listen, I'm not proud of it, but it's that and voyeurism  that the whole app thrives on. We're clearly not there 'for the articles'. My increased face volume has lead me to be very aware of the fact that everyone on it is a ride. Like, no one ever has the sheer volume of face that I seem to have. 


I was having this very discussion with a friend when she showed me something that made me feel a whole lot better about my expanding face situation. It was two pictures of a girl we only know online. One she'd taken of herself before a night out, looking her usual posed, poised, preened, pouty and any other p adjective self, the second picture was a shot taken by someone else of her smiling naturally with her friend on the same night. I'm not being a see you next Tuesday here, she was still very pretty in the second photograph but holy Jesus there was a whole world of a difference in the two pictures. I'm talking about the sort of difference that good lighting alone wouldn't sort out. I'm talking bone structure, face shape, 'is that really the same girl' sort of difference. I brought this up with the enabler and that's when she gave me some news that I'm still processing. 

We're being lied to.

It's an app.


A bleedin app, and they're ALL bleedin at it. I'm not just referring to the filters on Instagram, sure we all know about them. It turns out there are photoshopping apps that can be downloaded for free in the app store that will drop 10 pounds off your face in the slide of an index finger. 

I don't know why I'm so bothered by this. At some stage we've all used stuff to change our appearance, make up being a daily one others being  tan, hair dye, extensions, magic knickers, chicken fillets, push up bras, fake eyelashses, the list goes on. The thing is though, these are all physical, tactile changes. This app seems like the digital version of Bridget Jones' knickers, I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm suddenly having an empathy for all those teenage guys who shoved their eager hand up some young one's top only to be disappointed with less than a handful and what felt like the makings of tomorrows dinner. 

Maybe I'm just showing my age. Maybe these apps are the Bridget Jones knickers of this generation and I just hadn't realised it yet. What bugs me though is that I was aware of images being altered of celebs in magazines, Heat magazine has me well informed on celebs and their bad photoshop jobs, I just wasn't really aware that it was going on  on Instagram. Instagram for me is supposed to be real people posting real pics of their own lives, even if they are very carefully angled and pretentiously over thought. 

Less waffling, more app naming I hear you say. Ok, ok, it's called FotoRus. It's free in the apple app store, there are probably loads more but it's the only one I could bring myself to download without feeling dirty. 

The app lets you:


  • soften skin
  • brighten skin
  • change your skin tone
  • fix blemishes
  • slim your nose
  • slim your face
  • enlarge your eyes
  • sort out your eyebags
  • lift your nose
  • brighten your eyes.
I shit you not. All of the above and not a single course in Photoshop need be taken. 

Time to roll out the big boys and show you what it can do.

There are the cheeks in all of their make up free, fat storing glory on the left:



And there they on the right are once my app and index finger have worked it's magic. 

If that's me in my leaba at 8pm of a Monday night just imagine the results you could get with the help of some make up and a bit of decent contouring.


If you're anything like me, you'll now spend at least the next 30  minutes taking messing with photos of yourself and then spend the next 30 minutes after that trying to figure out who has and hasn't used the app on their Instagram.


***please note, all that being said, I might just end up using it myself in the future. I'm shallow like that........















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